“Clearly there’s been a deliberate effort on the part of the people involved”, said a spokesperson for the band. “If you mention ‘Sneak’s Noise’ to any of the 75 nominating committee members – or even one of the approximately 1,000 music-industry professionals who vote on the committee’s nominations –  you’ll get a blank stare. The person will act as though they’ve never even heard of Sneak’s Noise.”

The band’s debut EP, A Surge of Existence, sold anywhere from 117 to 10,742 copies, depending on whom you ask. Add in the approximately seven or eight illegal cassette and home CD copies, and you get a certain number that may or may not be divisible by itself and one.

No Moss on This Stone

Since Surge’s release, members of the band have pursued their own illustrious careers. John Taglieri’s upcoming CD features the likes of legendary drummer Kenny Aronoff. And Tony Donato – Jack Brag founder and pioneer of the “punctual rock” movement – has just finished production of a Yoko Ono tribute album.

Thanks for nothing, Cleveland.

“Some of these texts are exchanged well past midnight”, observes Matera, who purchased a new drum set last year but has only played it twice – both times in Carey’s living room, whilst parts of it were muffled by towels. “It’s almost as though we might seriously think about really considering talking about how we should play another gig.”

Adds Carey, “We should definitely play again. I have lots of fun stuff we can work on. Plus, we often get free (or heavily discounted) drinks when we perform.”

Despite neither of them making tangible efforts toward causing anything they’ve discussed to actually happen, both appear to be talking a good game.

Or texting it, anyway.

NEWARK, NJ   Referencing a little-known, rarely-used statute affecting creative aspirants – most notably slacker musicians and bands – district-court Judge Uppyar Rass officially declared North Jersey “rockers” Sneak’s Noise a fictitious band. Citing the group’s lack of meaningful activity amidst years of feeble attempts at self-promotion, Rass acted promptly and decisively to relegate the “band” to fantasy status.

While it takes a missing person up to seven years to be declared legally dead, a faster track has been reserved for amateur rock combos, particularly those whose members exceed the federal limit of 173 uttered or written excuses for not recording or performing over a three-year period – while nonetheless continuing to refer to themselves as a “band”.

In granting the group a designation typically reserved for cartoon characters, superheroes, and online dating profiles, Judge Rass warns all has, woulda, coulda, and shoulda beens that “no amount of hairbrush singing or drunken affirmations of your ambitions can ever establish you as an actual creative entity.”

Members of the “band” were not available for comment.