Weehawken, NJ North Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise announced today that they plan to re-disband by the end of March. A spokesman for the group confirmed that the band members had been considering a series of comeback appearances, until it was discovered that a modest combination of focus and effort would be required on their part. Talks to reconsider the renewed dissolution remain stalled; however, all members will get to keep whatever health benefits they had under the old arrangement.
PARAMUS, NJ Ralph Carey and Mike Matera are at it again. Not playing music together, mind you. But they are talking about it. Or, at least, occasionally (and sometimes drunk) texting each other on the topic of reuniting the band.
“Some of these texts are exchanged well past midnight”, observes Matera, who purchased a new drum set last year but has only played it twice – both times in Carey’s living room, whilst parts of it were muffled by towels. “It’s almost as though we might seriously think about really considering talking about how we should play another gig.”
Adds Carey, “We should definitely play again. I have lots of fun stuff we can work on. Plus, we often get free (or heavily discounted) drinks when we perform.”
Despite neither of them making tangible efforts toward causing anything they’ve discussed to actually happen, both appear to be talking a good game.
Or texting it, anyway.
STONYBROOK, NY Citing the now widely-circulated Mayan prediction of the world’s end tomorrow, erstwhile North Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise have announced plans to give up.
“What’s the point?”, queries frontman Ralph Carey. “If the Earth is completely destroyed, it will be a lot tougher to get gigs, especially paying ones.”
Added bassist Gus Tobar, “What the f&*k?!!”
Despite the apocalypse, vinyl copies of the band’s EP, A Surge of Existence, remain available. Please see the Store page of the band’s Web site to order yours.
NEWARK, NJ Referencing a little-known, rarely-used statute affecting creative aspirants – most notably slacker musicians and bands – district-court Judge Uppyar Rass officially declared North Jersey “rockers” Sneak’s Noise a fictitious band. Citing the group’s lack of meaningful activity amidst years of feeble attempts at self-promotion, Rass acted promptly and decisively to relegate the “band” to fantasy status.
While it takes a missing person up to seven years to be declared legally dead, a faster track has been reserved for amateur rock combos, particularly those whose members exceed the federal limit of 173 uttered or written excuses for not recording or performing over a three-year period – while nonetheless continuing to refer to themselves as a “band”.
In granting the group a designation typically reserved for cartoon characters, superheroes, and online dating profiles, Judge Rass warns all has, woulda, coulda, and shoulda beens that “no amount of hairbrush singing or drunken affirmations of your ambitions can ever establish you as an actual creative entity.”
Members of the “band” were not available for comment.
