Sneak's Noise
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Tag: rich plumpton

  • Sneak’s Noise Officially Declared a Fictitious Band

    Sneak's Noise: Fictitious Band?

    NEWARK, NJ   Referencing a little-known, rarely-used statute affecting creative aspirants – most notably slacker musicians and bands – district-court Judge Uppyar Rass officially declared North Jersey “rockers” Sneak’s Noise a fictitious band. Citing the group’s lack of meaningful activity amidst years of feeble attempts at self-promotion, Rass acted promptly and decisively to relegate the “band” to fantasy status.

    While it takes a missing person up to seven years to be declared legally dead, a faster track has been reserved for amateur rock combos, particularly those whose members exceed the federal limit of 173 uttered or written excuses for not recording or performing over a three-year period – while nonetheless continuing to refer to themselves as a “band”.

    In granting the group a designation typically reserved for cartoon characters, superheroes, and online dating profiles, Judge Rass warns all has, woulda, coulda, and shoulda beens that “no amount of hairbrush singing or drunken affirmations of your ambitions can ever establish you as an actual creative entity.”

    Members of the “band” were not available for comment.

  • Poll Results Favor Another Sneak’s Noise Show

    Sneak's Noise frontman Ralph Carey

    February 22, 2012    Edging out voter sentiment for a Foghat reunion by 2 to 1, North Jersey-based rock band Sneak’s Noise has garnered – as of 2:45pm today – a whopping three votes in its Web site poll. The poll has been active since July, and asks visitors whether the band should ever play again. It’s clear that the public is eager for Sneak’s Noise to return to the stage. The only question is whether the boys will ride this wave of excitement into another gig – before the fervor abates.

  • Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Again Snubs Sneak’s Noise

    CLEVELAND, OHIO
    January 30, 2012   Offering no comment as to why, members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominating Committee – as they have every year since opening their famous museum back in 1995 – once again snubbed NJ rockers Sneak’s Noise. With a 2012 list of inductees that includes the Beastie Boys, Guns ‘n Roses, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Hall of Fame will host its induction ceremony – sans mention of Sneak’s Noise – on April 14, 2012 at its Cleveland headquarters.

    As ever, Noise fans are left wondering.

    Although the band never released a chart-topping single or commemorative mug set, its music left an imperceptible mark on all those affected by it. In response, fans of the Noise have been refusing to mention this indignity to anyone. Many have taken to acting as though they’ve never heard of the band, a show of solidarity likely to continue through not only this April’s induction ceremony but also televised coverage of it in May.

    Meanwhile, members of the band and their immediate families have elected to stay away from this year’s nuptials. Some of them may even refuse to watch it the following month on HBO, particularly those not subscribed to cable or satellite TV.

  • Sneak’s Noise Plans Twice as Many Shows in 2012 as in the Prior Two Years Combined

    NORTH JERSEY, December 31

    Sneak's Noise Boys

    Reflecting on a year’s relative lack of accomplishment, the members of former North Bergen-based band Sneak’s Noise vowed that changes are in order. Their first goal? Double the number of shows played in 2012 as were played in the past two years.

    “As lofty as it sounds”, observes Gus Tobar, the band’s erstwhile bassist, “we are starting with what we believe to be our most manageable goal. In fact, I’m so certain we can meet this milestone that I am upping the ante; we will accomplish that feat by the middle of the new year.”

    Time will tell whether the band can muster its collective will and make good on its promise.

  • North Jersey Man Sues Sneak’s Over Noise

    Mr. Sneak S. Noise

    NORTH BERGEN, NJ – Narrowly averting a statute of limitations, a North Bergen man has filed a noise lawsuit against his erstwhile neighbors – New Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise – despite the fact that the band hasn’t rehearsed next to his house since 1992.

    “This has nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t had an income in 14 months”, notes the band’s former neighbor, Jacob Alvarez. “Those guys played at full volume, two to three nights a week, for five years. My attorney says my ears are still ringing.”

    Amplifying Alvarez’s case is the allegation that Gunther “Beatle” Brown, owner of a Union City nightspot where Sneak’s Noise once regularly played, often had his fiancee inform the band members that they were “too loud”. A string of character witnesses and band members has been summoned to a hearing, which will determine whether Alvarez’s case is sound enough to go to trial.