Weehawken, NJ  North Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise announced today that they plan to re-disband by the end of March. A spokesman for the group confirmed that the band members had been considering a series of comeback appearances, until it was discovered that a modest combination of focus and effort would be required on their part. Talks to reconsider the renewed dissolution remain stalled; however, all members will get to keep whatever health benefits they had under the old arrangement.

“Some of these texts are exchanged well past midnight”, observes Matera, who purchased a new drum set last year but has only played it twice – both times in Carey’s living room, whilst parts of it were muffled by towels. “It’s almost as though we might seriously think about really considering talking about how we should play another gig.”

Adds Carey, “We should definitely play again. I have lots of fun stuff we can work on. Plus, we often get free (or heavily discounted) drinks when we perform.”

Despite neither of them making tangible efforts toward causing anything they’ve discussed to actually happen, both appear to be talking a good game.

Or texting it, anyway.

STONYBROOK, NY  Citing the now widely-circulated Mayan prediction of the world’s end tomorrow, erstwhile North Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise have announced plans to give up.

“What’s the point?”, queries frontman Ralph Carey. “If the Earth is completely destroyed, it will be a lot tougher to get gigs, especially paying ones.”

Added bassist Gus Tobar, “What the f&*k?!!”

Despite the apocalypse, vinyl copies of the band’s EP, A Surge of Existence, remain available. Please see the Store page of the band’s Web site to order yours.

NEWARK, NJ   Referencing a little-known, rarely-used statute affecting creative aspirants – most notably slacker musicians and bands – district-court Judge Uppyar Rass officially declared North Jersey “rockers” Sneak’s Noise a fictitious band. Citing the group’s lack of meaningful activity amidst years of feeble attempts at self-promotion, Rass acted promptly and decisively to relegate the “band” to fantasy status.

While it takes a missing person up to seven years to be declared legally dead, a faster track has been reserved for amateur rock combos, particularly those whose members exceed the federal limit of 173 uttered or written excuses for not recording or performing over a three-year period – while nonetheless continuing to refer to themselves as a “band”.

In granting the group a designation typically reserved for cartoon characters, superheroes, and online dating profiles, Judge Rass warns all has, woulda, coulda, and shoulda beens that “no amount of hairbrush singing or drunken affirmations of your ambitions can ever establish you as an actual creative entity.”

Members of the “band” were not available for comment.

February 22, 2012    Edging out voter sentiment for a Foghat reunion by 2 to 1, North Jersey-based rock band Sneak’s Noise has garnered – as of 2:45pm today – a whopping three votes in its Web site poll. The poll has been active since July, and asks visitors whether the band should ever play again. It’s clear that the public is eager for Sneak’s Noise to return to the stage. The only question is whether the boys will ride this wave of excitement into another gig – before the fervor abates.

As ever, Noise fans are left wondering.

Although the band never released a chart-topping single or commemorative mug set, its music left an imperceptible mark on all those affected by it. In response, fans of the Noise have been refusing to mention this indignity to anyone. Many have taken to acting as though they’ve never heard of the band, a show of solidarity likely to continue through not only this April’s induction ceremony but also televised coverage of it in May.

Meanwhile, members of the band and their immediate families have elected to stay away from this year’s nuptials. Some of them may even refuse to watch it the following month on HBO, particularly those not subscribed to cable or satellite TV.

Reflecting on a year’s relative lack of accomplishment, the members of former North Bergen-based band Sneak’s Noise vowed that changes are in order. Their first goal? Double the number of shows played in 2012 as were played in the past two years.

“As lofty as it sounds”, observes Gus Tobar, the band’s erstwhile bassist, “we are starting with what we believe to be our most manageable goal. In fact, I’m so certain we can meet this milestone that I am upping the ante; we will accomplish that feat by the middle of the new year.”

Time will tell whether the band can muster its collective will and make good on its promise.

NORTH BERGEN, NJ – Narrowly averting a statute of limitations, a North Bergen man has filed a noise lawsuit against his erstwhile neighbors – New Jersey rockers Sneak’s Noise – despite the fact that the band hasn’t rehearsed next to his house since 1992.

“This has nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t had an income in 14 months”, notes the band’s former neighbor, Jacob Alvarez. “Those guys played at full volume, two to three nights a week, for five years. My attorney says my ears are still ringing.”

Amplifying Alvarez’s case is the allegation that Gunther “Beatle” Brown, owner of a Union City nightspot where Sneak’s Noise once regularly played, often had his fiancee inform the band members that they were “too loud”. A string of character witnesses and band members has been summoned to a hearing, which will determine whether Alvarez’s case is sound enough to go to trial.

Hurricane Irene is expected to pound the Northeast this coming weekend, bringing 50 + mph winds and flooding rains. As a result, the band looked at its complete lack of bookings and decided to cancel all of them.

“You really can’t be too safe”, notes Ralph Carey. “What if some poor soul shows up sopping wet at a cold venue not expecting us to play – and there we are? We simply can’t risk that.”

Fans of the Noise are advised to stock up on batteries, duct tape, and Twizzlers – and to check this site for updates on the band’s comparative sparsity of focus and ambition.