NEWARK, NJ   Referencing a little-known, rarely-used statute affecting creative aspirants – most notably slacker musicians and bands – district-court Judge Uppyar Rass officially declared North Jersey “rockers” Sneak’s Noise a fictitious band. Citing the group’s lack of meaningful activity amidst years of feeble attempts at self-promotion, Rass acted promptly and decisively to relegate the “band” to fantasy status.

While it takes a missing person up to seven years to be declared legally dead, a faster track has been reserved for amateur rock combos, particularly those whose members exceed the federal limit of 173 uttered or written excuses for not recording or performing over a three-year period – while nonetheless continuing to refer to themselves as a “band”.

In granting the group a designation typically reserved for cartoon characters, superheroes, and online dating profiles, Judge Rass warns all has, woulda, coulda, and shoulda beens that “no amount of hairbrush singing or drunken affirmations of your ambitions can ever establish you as an actual creative entity.”

Members of the “band” were not available for comment.